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Post by Shadow on May 1, 2008 22:17:15 GMT -5
Get critiques, discuss characters, share your insight into making a good character here!
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Post by Kitty on May 5, 2008 11:14:51 GMT -5
Okay, what do you guys think? Critique pl3as3 Name: Mara Drathul Gender: Female Age: 29 Race: Aryian Race Description: The Aryian are remarkably humanoid. At first glance, you cannot tell the difference between an Aryian and a human. With a little closer inspection, you can see that the Aryian only have three fingers and a thumb and that their pupils are milky white. Aryian hair is either a dark blue or black, and their skin color is usually more light than dark. Aryians have an extra-developed lung system, allowing them to live without inhaling new oxygen for at least ten minutes. This is from their homeworld, which is 90% covered with water. Aryians are slightly telepathic; they can sense feelings and deception. .009% of Aryians are force-sensitive, on average, a remarkably high number for any species (in retrospect, the percentage of humans that are force-sensitive is .0000012%). There is a Jedi Temple on Aryi, which trains Aryian Jedi. Aryian females, on average, stand 5'5"; Aryian males, 5'10". The Aryian race is very orderly and a large part of their society is based around their milatary, although some might consider the society very mediaval in some ways. Aryians have an active army and fleet, and a number of shipyards located around their planet. Homeworld: Aryi Affiliation: Republic Rank: Fleet Commander, 2nd Rank Appearance: Mara looks like a typical Aryian, if a little more human. Her hair is black, falling to just above her shoulders. Mara considers long hair a hindrance in battle. Mara usually wears white clothes on a normal day. Mara tends to wear gloves at all times. History: Mara's history isn't yet complete, but as the first Aryian fleet commander, it shows promise. Mara's parent were two government officials who had already had four children. Mara was their fifth and last, and her parents wanted her to marry into a rich family. When Mara turned 15, they arranged a courtship for her with a 40-year old wealthy land-owner. Mara went along with her parents wishes, reluctantly, but when a marriage was arranged, she had had enough. Mara fled Aryi and joined the Republic navy at age 17. Mara was put in a Republic training academy, and learned the basics of what she would need to know. She majored in weapon control and strategy, while she was advanced to a class-C starfighter pilot. When Mara was put through a number of tests used by the Republic to determine whether a soldier might grow into a good officer or not, Mara scored very high. Although Mara was not told about this, the Republic watched her actions. While in service aboard the R.N.V. Vario, Mara displayed the leadership qualities the Republic thought she had when the Vario was damaged from a Class-9 asteroid storm and Mara led a team of crew members to the damage control center to save the ship. Because of her actions, Mara was given a Courage Award and promoted to a first lieutenant. She did not disappoint and was soon received another promotion; Weapon Controls junior officer -- one of the ten -- on the flagship of the Republic Navy, the Valor. At age 25, Mara was given her first command: The patrol cruiser Nemesis. It was a position she would hold for three years, when the Clone Wars started. The Nemesis was given orders to rendezvous with the 9th Fleet, but was knocked out of hyperspace by a CIS interdictor cruiser, along with the science vessel Lucky. Through some quick thinking by Mara, the interdictor cruiser was damaged the retreated, and the science vessel's crew was saved, although the science vessel itself was left crippled and was self-destructed. Mara skipped another command and was given the rank of Bridge Commander, Class C. As causalities began, Mara was advanced to a Naval Commander, Class B. At the Battle of Syrene, Mara successfully defeated the CIS forces with a inferior fleet, then repelled the invasion force that had landed. For this, Mara was given the title of Fleet Commander, Rank 2. The next mission Mara was given was that of defending Corellia from a CIS invasion force. The rest of Mara's career remains to be seen.
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